So, once again I find myself skulking back to LJ. To be honest, I am surprised my account was not frozen/deleted/whatever it is that they do to abandoned accounts... I really ought to update this more frequently, since I have so much on my mind, so much stressing me out and I need a place to gather my thoughts and hopefully some strength, while I am at it.
I'm still in Iowa, although that has been so tenuous of late. For a while now, things have been off kilter with Ben. During the last part of winter, early part of spring, I was so homesick for Florida. It was bad. I didn't want to spend another moment in the cold and the snow. My family is going through their own hard times and it felt like I needed to be there for them. It seemed like I had left a hole when I moved to Iowa. But, I didn't want to leave a hole here either. The thought of leaving Ben hurt me, to the point where I finally understand the whole "choked up" feeling.
I told Ben how I was feeling. I was so miserable, there was no way of hiding it from him. He told me he understood, that he wanted me to be happy, even if that meant leaving. He finally gave me an ultimatum, though. He wanted to know by his birthday, whether or not I was leaving. Fair enough, it's his life, too. So, I made the decision to stay. I didn't want to run away once again. So, I tried to be happier. I tried to look forward to spring and the relief it would bring.
But then there was the day Ben left his smartphone at home. I can't really explain why, but I checked out his browser. Turns out, while I was struggling with being homesick, Ben was signing up with foreign bride sites and perusing women's profiles on Match.com. I couldn't believe it.
On his laptop, I found a history full of profiles from LoveMe.com. It's so great to have a browser suggest sites for you. When you try for Lowes, you get suggestions for a foreign bride site! (serious sarcasm, if you didn't catch it...)
I sent him a text message telling him he needed to stop looking at those sites. His reply was someone was going through his history. I told him someone was trying to go to Lowe's, when the browser ratted him out. I added that that was crossing the line with me, he needed to stop. He said sorry and that was that.
Or so I had hoped.
I told him last week that I was having a hard time letting this go. It shattered my trust. He said I needed to stop accusing him and throwing it back into his face. He said he would stop and I needed to let him prove it. I replied that I wasn't accusing him of anything, that it had already been established that he had engaged in inappropriate behavior. I was merely trying to be honest with him. So we let it go and things were okay.
Or so I had hoped.
A lack of trust will turn a curious person into a nosy person. A look at his Facebook revealed a conversation with a beautiful young (single) lady, wherein he expressed his regret that he was taken, while she was single. I was livid. I was literally shaking. I had to stop myself from sending her a message (we're friends on FB) that he would single before too much longer and she was welcome to him.
It was about that same time that my ex, John, texted me. I called him, told him what was going on. I needed a friend, a male friend, to tell me that what was going on wasn't okay. He helped me calm down some. Thank God for that friendship not being ruined...
Ben came home and found me cleaning the bathroom. When will he learn that it's not a good thing to come home to me frantically cleaning? It's something I do when mad as hell and need to be distracted.
He didn't notice my mood at first. He hugged me and while I was still in his arms, he said his eye was wandering again. I nearly bit my tongue to keep from spitting out "No shit!", but let him finish. He was referring to cars. He has an Audi TT Quattro that he loves, but is thinking about trading in on something a little more functional, while still being fun.
A few minutes later, he finally noticed something was wrong. Probably when I sat down on the bathtub, not having the energy to keep pretending nothing was wrong. So I was honest. I told him I saw the conversation with Allie. He got real quiet. I told him I was done, I couldn't live like this anymore. I know I am not an easy person to be with, but I deserve better. He couldn't tell me it was over, so I was doing it for the both of us. I told him that I had tried to let it go, to let it be something that totally sucked, but would hopefully make our relationship stronger. If we could make it through this, then we would be okay. He finally, finally, admitted that he needed to fix some things about himself. He admitted that he was partially to blame for the problems in our relationship. He came over to where I was sitting and put his arms around me. He apologized. And then he told me I had full access to his email, his Facebook, no questions asked. I told him I didn't want it to come to that. I want to be able to just trust him again. But at least it's a step in the right direction, it would seem.
I don't know if this was the right thing or not. I accepted his apologies. I'm sure he realizes that the trust has to be re-earned. I am hoping that this won't turn out to be a waste of time or just a ploy. I'm trying to let it go, once again. I don't want to be made to look like a fool. Heaven help me...
Work is still craptacular, in that I am still stuck in limbo. I started working for the local grocery store, happily part time. About 6 weeks after I started there, the HR manager called me up and asked if I would like to cover at the Pharmacy down the street for about 6 weeks. One of the ladies here needed to have surgery on her neck. I agreed, since it was during the time that Ben was in Guam and should prove to be a nice distraction from that. Six months or so later, I am still here. During her surgery, the doctor apparently nicked a nerve, which has left her left arm slightly goofy. She has use of her arm and hand, but not fully. A couple months ago, she mentioned that when someone touched her arm, it made her feel ill. I can believe it. I've felt similar when an appendage has fallen "asleep". I can't imagine that feeling lasting, though, poor lady.
Anyway, the doctor keeps pushing her return date back and back. I can't wait for him to finally say yes or no, regarding whether or not she can return to work. No one expects her back. But once the doctor makes a decision, then I can make my own. And get out of limbo...
The weather here has been weird. Hot then cold, then beautiful, then rainy/gloomy. But it's not snowing so I am happy.
I need to get back to work now, so I will wrap this up. Hopefully, I will return soon and not be so bloody neglectful!