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ashes_embers
27 August 2011 @ 12:54 pm
Ben's mother is coming to town again, for almost two weeks. Joyous occasion...    : P
 
 
I'm feeling: blahblah
 
 
ashes_embers
17 June 2011 @ 03:07 pm
Today has been a Monday in the guise of Friday... this weekend better be awesome.
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I'm feeling: blahblah
 
 
ashes_embers
16 June 2011 @ 11:41 am
 Not entirely sure I am doing the right thing here, but it seems like the best option at the moment.

We talked again, no distractions. Somehow he has managed to reassure me of his intention to be wholly mine. I can really only hope that he is telling the truth and that he has no intentions of looking again, while we are together. I think the only thing that helps his case is that on these damn sites his profile was always hidden. He hasn't made himself available to be found by others. I have to take that as something slightly positive...

He's been attentive and loving again and it seems sincere and genuine. Only time will tell if it's all a lie, but until then, I am going to continue to put myself in the position of being fully capable of taking care of myself. If I need to leave in the middle of the night, for any reason, I want to be able to, without weeks of planning and compromising. If it never comes to that, then I will still have made my life better for myself. 

I hope you can be patient with me if it seems like I am "flip-flopping" or being one of those whiney females ("but he loooooves meeeee")... All I can do is hope that he is going to be the man I want in my life, while preparing for the letdown. I don't want to seem pessimistic, either, but prepared. 

Thanks, Jenn and Erin, for offering to kick his ass. If it's necessary, I will totally give you his home and work addresses!
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I'm feeling: calmcalm
 
 
ashes_embers
14 June 2011 @ 08:43 am
 It's so easy to promise you will stop, so easy to promise access to your email to "prove" it, when you think I don't know about your other email. The one that I already have access to thanks to your laptop always being signed in to it... It's so easy to find that you've also signed up for Zoosk and Plenty of Fish... the latter on the same day you made your empty promises! You also forwarded the login info for what I suspect is your paid subscription to a porn site... classy, really.

What is the sick motivation behind keeping me around? Why are you wasting my time, my life? I suppose the better question is, why have I let you? Sadly, I have to bide my time. Figure stuff out before making a run for it. But rest assured, I will be leaving. I refuse to live like this. I am not an option. Too many have seen me as such... 

I feel so empty, like I'm just going through the motions until I can leave. Seems healthy...
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I'm feeling: numbnumb
 
 
ashes_embers
13 June 2011 @ 11:12 am
 So, once again I find myself skulking back to LJ. To be honest, I am surprised my account was not frozen/deleted/whatever it is that they do to abandoned accounts... I really ought to update this more frequently, since I have so much on my mind, so much stressing me out and I need a place to gather my thoughts and hopefully some strength, while I am at it.

I'm still in Iowa, although that has been so tenuous of late. For a while now, things have been off kilter with Ben. During the last part of winter, early part of spring, I was so homesick for Florida. It was bad. I didn't want to spend another moment in the cold and the snow. My family is going through their own hard times and it felt like I needed to be there for them. It seemed like I had left a hole when I moved to Iowa. But, I didn't want to leave a hole here either. The thought of leaving Ben hurt me, to the point where I finally understand the whole "choked up" feeling. 
I told Ben how I was feeling. I was so miserable, there was no way of hiding it from him. He told me he understood, that he wanted me to be happy, even if that meant leaving. He finally gave me an ultimatum, though. He wanted to know by his birthday, whether or not I was leaving. Fair enough, it's his life, too. So, I made the decision to stay. I didn't want to run away once again. So, I tried to be happier. I tried to look forward to spring and the relief it would bring. 
But then there was the day Ben left his smartphone at home. I can't really explain why, but I checked out his browser. Turns out, while I was struggling with being homesick, Ben was signing up with foreign bride sites and perusing women's profiles on Match.com. I couldn't believe it. 
On his laptop, I found a history full of profiles from LoveMe.com. It's so great to have a browser suggest sites for you. When you try for Lowes, you get suggestions for a foreign bride site! (serious sarcasm, if you didn't catch it...)
I sent him a text message telling him he needed to stop looking at those sites. His reply was someone was going through his history. I told him someone was trying to go to Lowe's, when the browser ratted him out. I added that that was crossing the line with me, he needed to stop. He said sorry and that was that.

Or so I had hoped.

I told him last week that I was having a hard time letting this go. It shattered my trust. He said I needed to stop accusing him and throwing it back into his face. He said he would stop and I needed to let him prove it. I replied that I wasn't accusing him of anything, that it had already been established that he had engaged in inappropriate behavior. I was merely trying to be honest with him. So we let it go and things were okay.

Or so I had hoped.

A lack of trust will turn a curious person into a nosy person. A look at his Facebook revealed a conversation with a beautiful young (single) lady, wherein he expressed his regret that he was taken, while she was single. I was livid. I was literally shaking. I had to stop myself from sending her a message (we're friends on FB) that he would single before too much longer and she was welcome to him. 
It was about that same time that my ex, John, texted me. I called him, told him what was going on. I needed a friend, a male friend, to tell me that what was going on wasn't okay. He helped me calm down some. Thank God for that friendship not being ruined...

Ben came home and found me cleaning the bathroom. When will he learn that it's not a good thing to come home to me frantically cleaning? It's something I do when mad as hell and need to be distracted. 
He didn't notice my mood at first. He hugged me and while I was still in his arms, he said his eye was wandering again. I nearly bit my tongue to keep from spitting out "No shit!", but let him finish. He was referring to cars. He has an Audi TT Quattro that he loves, but is thinking about trading in on something a little more functional, while still being fun. 
A few minutes later, he finally noticed something was wrong. Probably when I sat down on the bathtub, not having the energy to keep pretending nothing was wrong. So I was honest. I told him I saw the conversation with Allie. He got real quiet. I told him I was done, I couldn't live like this anymore.  I know I am not an easy person to be with, but I deserve better. He couldn't tell me it was over, so I was doing it for the both of us. I told him that I had tried to let it go, to let it be something that totally sucked, but would hopefully make our relationship stronger. If we could make it through this, then we would be okay. He finally, finally, admitted that he needed to fix some things about himself. He admitted that he was partially to blame for the problems in our relationship. He came over to where I was sitting and put his arms around me. He apologized. And then he told me I had full access to his email, his Facebook, no questions asked. I told him I didn't want it to come to that. I want to be able to just trust him again. But at least it's a step in the right direction, it would seem. 

I don't know if this was the right thing or not. I accepted his apologies. I'm sure he realizes that the trust has to be re-earned. I am hoping that this won't turn out to be a waste of time or just a ploy. I'm trying to let it go, once again. I don't want to be made to look like a fool. Heaven help me... 

Work is still craptacular, in that I am still stuck in limbo. I started working for the local grocery store, happily part time. About 6 weeks after I started there, the HR manager called me up and asked if I would like to cover at the Pharmacy down the street for about 6 weeks. One of the ladies here needed to have surgery on her neck. I agreed, since it was during the time that Ben was in Guam and should prove to be a nice distraction from that. Six months or so later, I am still here. During her surgery, the doctor apparently nicked a nerve, which has left her left arm slightly goofy. She has use of her arm and hand, but not fully. A couple months ago, she mentioned that when someone touched her arm, it made her feel ill. I can believe it. I've felt similar when an appendage has fallen "asleep". I can't imagine that feeling lasting, though, poor lady. 
Anyway, the doctor keeps pushing her return date back and back. I can't wait for him to finally say yes or no, regarding whether or not she can return to work. No one expects her back. But once the doctor makes a decision, then I can make my own. And get out of limbo...

The weather here has been weird. Hot then cold, then beautiful, then rainy/gloomy. But it's not snowing so I am happy.

I need to get back to work now, so I will wrap this up. Hopefully, I will return soon and not be so bloody neglectful!
 
 
I'm feeling: draineddrained
 
 
 
ashes_embers
16 November 2010 @ 12:20 am
So... seriously long time, no LiveJournal... Sorry 'bout that. I cannot seem to commit to a blog anymore.
Things are still good for the most part. Still here in Iowa. Recently decided to start a photography business, but that's old news, since you guys are on my Facebook, too :)
The art muse has come back and I have been churning out new pieces. I did 3 for deviantART and then a banner for trinitylayne today alone. Trin, let me know what you think of it... I still have the .PSD so I can change pretty much anything on it, including the font. Hmm, now I am kinda in the mood to make some icons... haven't done that in ages either!


 
 
I'm feeling: chipperchipper
 
 
ashes_embers
08 December 2009 @ 10:49 pm
Overnight

Snow Chance for Measurable Precipitation 100%
Snow

Lo 4 °F
Wednesday

Snow Likely Chance for Measurable Precipitation 60%
Snow
Likely
Hi 7 °F
Wednesday
Night

Partly Cloudy
Partly
Cloudy
Lo -8 °F
Thursday

Mostly Sunny
Mostly
Sunny
Hi 10 °F
Thursday
Night

Partly Cloudy
Partly
Cloudy
Lo -6 °F
Friday

Mostly Sunny
Mostly
Sunny
Hi 13 °F
Friday
Night

Partly Cloudy
Partly
Cloudy
Lo 6 °F
Saturday

Mostly Sunny
Mostly
Sunny
Hi 19 °F
Saturday
Night

Partly Cloudy
Partly
Cloudy
Lo -3 °F


In other words:

IT'S FREAKIN' COLD!!!!
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I'm feeling: boredbored
 
 
ashes_embers
08 December 2009 @ 10:44 pm
I have woefully neglected LJ.

I am sitting at work, trying to keep busy on an overnight shift. It's boring as hell for the most part. Facebook is blocked on our network, so I have to find other ways of entertaining myself.

I've been having a rough time lately. The last 2 days were hell. I started feeling like crap Saturday night. It turned out to be a migraine lasting all Sunday and all Monday. I made friends with 3 different toilets yesterday... :P A bit of TMI, but bile is just nasty and should stay where it belongs.
And the suckiest part of it all, the meds don't work. A few weeks ago, I went to the emergency room, thanks to a killer migraine. It was at night, so I couldn't just go see a doctor. But the doctor on call that night is now my doctor. He gave me Ultram that night and later on prescribed a generic Immitrex. The Immitrex didn't always work, so he gave me another prescription for the Ultram. That one didn't work at all this weekend. It was miserable. I went to see my chirpractor yesterday. He cracked my neck for me, but that actually made it worse. Something about the pressure being released. All I know is I immediately headed to the white porcelain goddess and made a tribute.
I'm feeling better today, but I can still feel whatever it is in my neck. I don't want to have to rely on medication to feel normal, but it looks like I might not have to worry about it, since it doesn't always work. It knocks me out, but I'm still in pain when I wake up. I hate my stupid spine.

Other than that, things are good. We had a blizzard today. So much snow! I wanted to go outside and play in it, but I wasn't sure how good I was feeling. Maybe tomorrow =)

Iowa is completely official. Went to Florida over Thanksgiving and got the last of my stuff out of storage. So, everything I own is here with me. I like this feeling of having roots somewhere. I hated living like a vagabond. I have a home and a life, and it's great.

Well, I guess I really don't have much to update. Sorry for being boring!
 
 
Current Location: Hy-Vee
I'm feeling: blahblah
 
 
ashes_embers
03 October 2009 @ 03:31 pm
So I spent a few hours over in Storm Lake, wandering around WalMart (we don't have one here in town, we're that small). I got some things I needed/wanted, so it wasn't a wasted trip or anything. But guess who won't be here until after 5:00pm sometime? That's right, his mother. I ran away for nothing =) Oh well, it got me out of the house for a few hours.

Okay, the thing I eluded to in the last post... Ben and I both love to travel and plan to do more of it. We both want to go to Europe, so we're in the beginning stages of planning a several month trip for 2011. I think it will be a great way to end our 20's! At the least, it will be a 4 month trip. We talked about going for a full year, but neither of us are sure we would want to be gone that long. "East, west, hame's best." So we shortened it to a 6 month trip. But, work won't hold his position for 6 months. His supervisor suggested going for 3 months plus taking 2 years worth of vacation time. The fiscal year ends at the end of September, so we would leave mid June and come back mid October from the looks of it. That way he could come back to the same position/pay he left at.
We're thinking of basically backpacking a circle around the continent. Starting in England probably. I'm pretty excited, because he would do this. It's not just talk. As I mentioned, he already talked to the upper people at work about it, asking about a leave of absence. They think it's crazy, but hey, that's pretty much been our relationship so far, so I think it's only fitting =)

Anyway, I think that's truly it for now.
 
 
ashes_embers
03 October 2009 @ 10:55 am
I have to make this quick... Ben's mother is driving in from Colorado today, for a visit and I haven't met her yet. I don't wanna meet her without Ben here, so I am running away from the house until he gets home from work. From the sounds of it, she is just like my own mother, so some of you can probably understand why I am being a puss about meeting her!

Everything is still going pretty good. Work is kinda annoying, but I still think it's the people that make it that way. Gossipy old ladies who have nothing better to do than start and revel in drama. Errgh.

It's getting cold here for me! I had to buy chapstick before October! In Florida, it's always so damn wet, I never really needed it, except for a few times in winter. Ben and our neighbor said they're hoping for 4 feet of snow... I think more to torment me, than any true desire for it...

Mexico will be nice in a few weeks! =) Lucky me!

Man, my life is boring! =) I can't think of much else to update about. There is one other thing, but it will take a while to talk about, I think. Nothing major, no worries!

Happy Birthday again Erin! Consider what I said =D Come join the dark side with me and Mel and Jenn!

Gotta run!
 
 
I'm feeling: anxiousanxious